Understanding men and Life as a Stay-at-Home Mom

Do all men have a vice? Is it sports for some, gambling or video games for others? Just curious I need to know. What makes men come home from a loooooooong day at work and head straight to the video game for hours? Or for instance I grew up in a neighborhood where I would get up early go to school and see the old guys setting up in front of my building to play dominos like they were still back in the Dominican Republic or something. I know some that like to spend their countless hours at golf or maybe basketball. My father loved playing pool and dancing. I don't get it. I get having a hobby and wanting to have some fun...but it goes beyond that. There's a fever burning...gotta get to the video game right away or whatever it might be. I have my own interests but I can drop anything in a hot second if my family needs me. Nothing is too important or more important that it can't wait. At what age does it end? It does end right? lol. Hmmm do I go with the flow and just let it be or bitch and complain? And where's my personal time to do my own thing? 

It took me months to get accustomed to this new life at home and I found that when I went back to work for 2 weeks outside the home for a freelance project, I missed my girls so much. I have finally become used to it and I can appreciate the time I spend with them but I remember days when I had to call my mom to pick me up so I can spend the day with her while my husband was away working. I didn't want to and couldn't be alone. I would have days that were so bad and depressing. Hating myself for not having a job and hating myself for being "fat" after having my second daughter. I'd lock myself in the bathroom and cry just so I could get it off my system and be able to proceed to change diapers or do whatever I had to. And there was the day that I was so overwhelmed with being home all day that I almost exploded on my husband but instead put on my sneakers and went out alone for a walk in the rain. How embarrassing I thought for anyone to see me and what I'd become. Of course it was all a huge exaggeration, I've learned to cut myself some slack and give myself time to get back in shape slowly at whatever pace my body requires. 

You know how it is...you go to school, graduate, work hard on developing your career, have work related activities that give you a social life and you start a family. And just like that it's gone and you're home all day with no one but an infant, a toddler and the tv. You miss the adult company and conversations. You miss getting dressed in real clothes as opposed to being in PJ's or lounge clothes all day, looking presentable.

I spend about 16 hrs a day looking after two little girls 7 days a week. Potty training, educating, preparing meals, playtime, cleaning up at home, laundry, soothing them when they are sick or hurt. I never envisioned myself as a stay at home mom but here I am now. It took me months to get used to this. I remember that I never understood when women would say "I need to find myself". I thought it was a load of crap, and just get it together....until....I found myself out of a job and home full time. What would I say if someone asked me "who are you?" My first instinct for a long time was to just say "no one" but I know that is not true. I'm still working on the proper answer to that question hmmm. 

I know that in reality there is nothing better than a child who is raised by their own parent instead of a guardian or babysitter in my case. When I worked I had a babysitter come in during my work hours and stay at my place until I got home from work. As nice as this lady was I know she wouldn't have taken the time to teach my girls the alphabet, numbers etc...Certain things that only a parent will do. She'd make sure they were fed, bathed and happy but that would be about it. So I'm still looking for a job because ultimately I believe it's the best thing for my family and I want to be more than just a mother and a wife but for now I do my very best to enjoy the time I have home with my girls who I LOVE! I try and laugh with them as much as possible, play and just hold them and enjoy them. I tell them I love them everyday and I hope they can feel it.

That's it for now

-Alex

Health Insurance

To all you unemployed parents: 

What do you do when you don't have a job to provide health insurance anymore but still have to make ends meet and pay bills? What happens when you have small children who still need regular doctor visits to keep up with vaccines and such? Do you buy it, If so from where and how much? Do you get medicaid, if so how do you qualify? Back When I was employed it was easy to pay all our bills and still have enough money for dinner and entertainment but now....you get the point. Now what?

Elize 3rd Birthday Party and Potty Training

Yesterday we celebrated Elize's 3rd birthday. It was a small party. We invited my sister who has a 4 year old and my cousin who has a 2 year old. My mom came with her step kids who are grown and my mother in law came with my husband's brother wife and 10 year old daughter. That was it! And yet it was the most hectic day ever. We woke up and went straight to cleaning up, breakfast and decorating. Party started at 4 and these little toddlers are a handful. So now I'm back to potty training and I'm about to give up. She is a 3 year old who is smart enough and understands what the toilet is. The girl is LAZY! I just can't take it. I have put so much energy into this over the last few weeks and it's not working. I'm either gonna cry or give up. Ugh don't know what else to do. I have talks with her, I show her potty training videos, I posted pictures of her around so she can see them and remind herself to go and I take her with me to the bathroom when I go. So now what?

Why a Little Black Shop

This is why...http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/04/fashion/04NITE.html?src=twt&twt=nytimesstyle
everyone is wearing black

So Ironic

I've been dying to get back to work since I was laid off in January. It took months for me to get used to being a stay at home mom with my girls. and now that I am freelancing for a few weeks I miss them terribly. I think of them all day and look forward to seeing them. It's crazy though. I don't have a set babysitter right now so I have to get up super early at 6:30 am, get ready, get the girls ready and wait for my mom to pick me up and take me to her place with the girls. Or on days like today Monday, my mother in law came over and stayed with the girls in my home.  I feel terrible having to get them up so early. Elize and Zara are usually sleeping and I hate waking them up. So peaceful in their sleep. Agh, I really do miss them. And now I'll have to work on potty training all over again. Grandma's aren't taking care of that. 

Growing up

This post is about growing up...

Not about my daughters growing up, about me growing up. A few nights ago I was watching Dream Girls on tv and you know how Jennifer Hudson can sing! The girl can sing! But anyway, lol, she was singing "I'm changing". So yesterday I was on the train, on my way to work and I thought about how in recent days I've been feeling more confident about myself. No, I haven't lost all the baby weight yet, I still have a ways to go. But I'm getting there. I think I'm in a new phase of my life and I feel like I can see my life as if it were a movie. I'm in my grown woman phase of life. No longer a school girl or recent graduate. I'm 30 years old, I'm married, I have two beautiful daughters and I own my home. So everyday is about being a provider for my kids. Life is no longer about pleasing myself and having fun. Now it's all about the girls. But more than that I'm more confident in myself. Maybe it has something to do with doing a little bit of work this week and freelancing. Getting back to work and feeling productive can also be a powerful thing. So yeah, I guess I feel more like a woman, not so much a girl. I'm still working out to stay in shape but not obsessed with getting back to my pre-mommy size, even though that would be nice. Yup I'm growing! Actually, I'm already grown :-)

Mommy Shuffle

I woke up Monday morning thinking that I had to clean the condo top to bottom. Bathrooms, kitchen, laundry potty training and everything else that comes along with being a stay at home mom. It was around 9:30 am and I was having my usual morning coffee and enjoying some quiet time at home because the girls were still asleep and that is my favorite part of the day. The part where I get to enjoy a quiet cup of coffee without fuss or interruptions, just priceless. I check my email on my phone and there it was! An email from someone at my old job from where I'd been laid off from, asking if I was available for some freelance work. I was laid off due to company bankruptcy. Now they have been accquired by another company and are going through a series of changes. After 9 months, I finally got something. It's very short term but I think it's very nice that they thought of me. I can definitely use the money and it's great to get back in there and let them know that I'm still available and interested in my old job. One of the great things of working there was that I always felt that they were very family oriented. I never felt guilty about having to leave early or come in a bit late for Dr. Appts with the girls etc. It's tough to have a full time job and manage and raise kids. Anyway I immediately replied and said that I was all theirs! I got my girls ready asap and called my mother in law to watch my girls. I got ready, called the cab, dropped off the girls and I was off just like old times on the train and on my way to do some work. I arrived and everyone was just so happy to see me. Lots of hugs (tight hugs, the kind where you try to pull away and they just hug you tighter, lol). And it was nice. So for the past three days this week I've been going back to the office, helping out with their design process. Some new faces, some old faces but it felt just like old times and I was able to get right back into the design phase like I'd never left. I suppose it helps while I'm at home to continue designing, checking out trends. 

The only down side to all this has been the fact that my girls have been so sick. And now I too have the sniffles. They have had a terrible cold, throat hurts, they haven't been sleeping well neither have my husband and I. We've been so tired. Going to bed super early and waking up constantly to sooth the girls because the cry at night and can't sleep. Today they are a little better and last night they slept through the night. I just can't help but to think that it's so cruel that after so many months of looking for work, finally I get something and the girls need me the most. Hurts so bad to see them so sick and not be able to stay with them, and I have to do this. 

So tomorrow we'll be doing it all over again. Getting up early, getting the girls ready and off to my mom. I'm slowly realizing that it never gets easier. Right now my girls are little and it's tough and when they are a little older it'll be the school shuffle. Oh well. Such is life! We do it all for love. Because we love our families and our children.  That's it for now.

-Alex

Remembering 9/11

Today is the 8th anniversary of 9/11. I can't help but to think that it's unfortunate that 8 years later we still haven't progressed with the 9/11 memorial in ground zero or with construction of the new towers. I also think it's sad that so many children don't know what 9/11 is. In may cases it's not being taught in school. So much confusion and controversy over how to teach such a tragic event to young kids but I know there is a way. Just as everything else in life you start small. You start with the basic information and build on it as a child grows and becomes more prepared to understand more complex ideas. Just like teaching the birds and bees I guess, though I know many parents don't even teach that. My mom never even spoke to me about menstruation! Crazy. I'm not mad at her, she's a product of her generation and culture of how she was raised. I know today she would easily take the shirt off her back and give me everything, the most selfless woman I know. So much so that's it's a fault. But in today's world, we live in the Information age. If you don't take the first step to teach your kids the important things in life, someone else will and they might not teach them they way you would want them to know. 

Like I always say: everything in moderation, life is all about balance!

-Alex

Labor Day Weekend

Today is do-over day at home and starting out with fresh peace of mind and focus. I need more patience to deal with my girls. I tell you, all the progress I made with the girls with sleeping and eating went out the door as soon as this both got sick last week. It's like starting all over again. And let me not forget to mention that I haven't been exercising enough and basically threw my diet out the window. So yeah, I need a do-over.

The only good thing that has come of this Labor Day weekend is that I started working on my business plan. I started doing some research and I am starting to see that yes, indeed this is most definitely a long term goal, lol. Looks like I'll be needing a lot more money than I thought for the Little Black Shop. It's ok. I could use this time to learn a thing or two about marketing, retail and fundraising before I get started. I know fashion design but I don't know the other stuff. I have ideas and a clear vision of how it should work but I need more...I need a real plan to insure that I will make a profit and succeed.

So like I said before, today is about starting over, patience and focus.

-Alex

The Business Plan

Started writing my business plan. It's great because by writing it I have to start doing research and learning about certain things that I don't have experience in. My experience and strength is in fashion design but when it comes to retail management, and marketing I certainly have a lot to learn still. I'm excited and glad I finally got started on this. Again I still don't have the money but when I do having this plan will get me one step closer. So much I still need to learn but I have all the confidence that I can do this. Taking it one step at a time.

-Alex